I’m just trying to figure out how to live my lifestyle now that I’ve binge-watched the entire Orange Is The New Black season 2. Warning: Spoilers ahead! Other than beauty, I reignited my mega-crush on Bennet (although Vee and I have that in common, per her “Marry Fuck Kill” admission), was deeply into the Figueroa subplot, the “The Fault In Our Stars” cameo, the Miss Rosa BOSS BITCH moment and am loving Caputo’s and Healy’s new menschy behavior. Obviously, we need to discuss the UMPTEEN amazing beauty moments, but here, the most salient of the bunch.

1. Lorna Morello’s appointment as Big House Bugle‘s Beauty Columnist

Stalker or not, that girl rocks red lipstick even during the most epic of makeup crackdowns not giving a single eff about its contraband status.

2. The Makeup Moments At The Mock Job Fair

Get it, Taystee! But Flaca’s goth makeup was kind of genius.

3. The CoverGirl Palette From Red’s Underground Beauty Railroad

Red’s back in business and hooks Anita up with a shadow drop-off while girl is in a downward dog. Easy, breezy, contraband beautiful.

4. Miss Jessie’s Curly Pudding 

Red’s gift to Sophia. “It is a mystery to me how you people ever lost the Cold War.”

5. Flaca’s inner-corner tattoos are sort of killing me softly. 

Girl looks good. Even my mom, famed hater of tattoos, commented on how cool Flaca’s are.

6. Red’s On-Trend Divergent Eyeliner

She’s clearly reading Rouge18.

7. “You just tried to strangle me so you could sell mascara in jail.” 

It’s a manipulative line of Vee’s, but damn if doesn’t put things into perspective.

8. Sophia discussing cutting a “skullet” for Piper. 

Chic.

Or you could just buy Laura Mercier Matte Eyeshadow in Coffee Ground.

9. Morello’s Instant Coffee Grounds As Eye Shadow Tip

I’d say that’s some beauty MacGyver stuff, but let’s be real — that phrase is wayyyy overused and needs to be retired, frankly. Also, MacGyver was never relegated to materials kosher within a PRISON. I’ll bet you could make a sick espresso liquid liner with that. “It tastes like ass, so it’s actually better as a cosmetic.”

10. Spike, Piper’s Chin Hair

She and Red bond over the bullshit that is the spontaneous generation of ill-placed hair.

11. Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren’s New ‘Do

Even though it looked almost identical to her old one, let’s hear it for makeovers.

12. Soso’s Commitment To Natural Deo

Gross, but the girl’s aluminum-free, if smelling like a turtle tank.

13. “Those Are Just My Lips”

Caputo dares to ask Piper if she’s born with it or it’s Maybelline.

What was your favorite beauty moment of the new Orange Is The New Black season?