Look. I don’t know WHY a form-fitting horizontal-striped dress is as flattering as all get-out, all I know is that I tried it on and it IS. And then, naturally, I bought it, because I am no fool. My friend Nicola, a stylist for Anthropologie‘s website told me I NEEDED to try it on as it’s been flying off shelves for that very reason. I did, and she was RIGHT. This dress is magical. It must have a hidden tag somewhere that says Made in Narnia, because when I wear it, I feel more slender than Scarface‘s Elvira Hancock.

Wearing stripes and looking svelte is so off-putting to me. I feel like I now I know nothing about how the universe works. Excuse me, I’m now off to ride a unicorn to a dinner party that will undoubtedly be full of fantastic single men with personalities and Kryptonheight and NOT a throng of standard-issue female speech pathologists who want to make plans for spicy tuna and “Lindses” during which to “pick my brain” on a recurring weekly basis.

The Pieced Column Dress retails for $178 at anthropologie.com.