Stop playing chess and give the people the PG13 stuff they paid for. People = me.

SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want to be spoiled, do NOT read this post. If you do, read on…

Check my recaps of Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse if you missed them before!

Oh, I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because when this whole Twilight movie series started, I was a spry young thing of 28 but at 31, this latest installment of The Twilight Saga (Breaking Dawn Part 1) made me feel older than… Methuselah. And I’m not even sure it’s just my non-vampire advanced age for teen movies and YA novels adapted to teen movies. I’m not sure why this installment somehow inspired the same level of embarrassment for me reserved usually for musicals on TV and movies (somehow live musicals on Broadway don’t make me want to die the same way). Director Bill Condon is the fourth to take on the franchise and while the tone overall was the same, there was a faux-mantical element that just felt… off to me. Like Bella and Edward were logging on to trytoohard.com, the entire opening until they arrived on the sexy Isle de Esme.

The writers/directors certainly inherited a gory plotline, so the fact that this iteration was a bit less enchanting is not exactly their fault. And the pregnancy/birthing/sickness scenes (which felt like 50% of the movie, BTW) were en point per Stephenie Meyers’ description–but in practice, it was really disturbing. Specifically how skinny Kristen Stewart was as sick/pregnant Bella. Girl looked like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia meets puking-in-jars-in-the-closet after-school-special style Tracey Gold. It was painful to watch.

As far as beauty goes, I thought Kristen looked gorgeous pre-sickness and her Carolina Herrera wedding gown did not disappoint. Cheers to designer (and friend of Glamman) Miro, who created the vision. If Kristen was wearing a wig, it didn’t look as if she were; a massive improvement compared to Eclipse and New Moon.

But somehow, the magic seemed to be a bit off for me. That and only one gratuitous shirtless TLaut scene? I expect more. What do you guys think? Am I old or did you feel the same way?

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