I’ve now spent five days in Thailand, both in Bangkok and in Phuket and this is what I can tell you.

1. Tang as orange juice.

Seriously. They frequently try to pretend Tang is orange juice. Just go with it.

2. No trash cans but magically, no trash. 

You will have to hold all your cellophane bottled water sealants on your person. Potentially for hours. In your hands. Paper product is also in scarce supply. Get ready to hoard every napkin.

3. Same same

My favorite thing about this joint. It means, quite simply, same, or double anything. My friend Rob, currently an ex-pat living in Bangkok dropped this very deep linguistic knowledge on me, which I then shared with my travel mates, Felicia and India immed.

Reacquainting myself with my clavicle, thanks to Foto Hotel’s flagrant fat-shaming.

4. If you want more than 2 ounces of protein or more than 4 fries, good luck. 

In Bangkok, it was easy to nourish myself, but in Phuket, our hotel totally starved us out, Red from Orange Is The New Black style. I’m totally leaving looking like Kate Moss. I don’t know if I hate this.

Foto Hotel in Phuket boasts stunning views and an endless pool.

5. Phuket is the most stunning place on the entire planet.

Better than Mykonos. On par with Tahiti and even rivals Tikehau, which was the reigning winner re: gorgeousness until I went to Koh Phi Phi (yeah you know me) and Phuket.

The pool at the Westin Sukhumvit in Bangkok. #twonightsinbangkok

6. Bangkok needs a better publicist.

Everyone told me I needed to spend no more than 48 hours in this awesome city and they are straight-up crazy. I could easily have spent a week here. It’s super cool and boasts a population of 12 million (!) people and wonderful, friendly locals.

Photo credit

7. Ladyboys are incredibly convincing.

I fell for it every single time, hook, line and sinker.

I can’t believe this smoked-salmon quesadilla with lemon grass (though the menu stated it was lemon GLASS and I had to wonder until the food arrived if I was going to be eating something edible) was as delicious as it was. Photo credit: Felicia.

8. You don’t even KNOW from spicy.

I regularly eat the spiciest stuff imaginable and I ordered a green curry coconut chicken soup that humbled me and burnt my mouth for DAYS. I had to dump a metric ton of rice in it to get through it. Okay?

9. The fruit smoothies are divine.

Watermelon became a quick favorite.

Thaivianas, do you love it?

10. Going commando is actually illegal.

Yup. If you want to enjoy your vacation and not end up Brokedown Palace-style, rock your underpants.

Lightning Round: This is an Asian thing in general, but be prepared for dramatic interpretations of covers of your favorite pop songs in soap opera mode everywhere you eat. 

Have you been to Thailand? Tell me every single thing in the comments.